SHE'S HOMELESS...

2-Year Anniversary

                   

Two years ago TODAY, my life changed forever.

If I would have known at that time that I would be spending the next two years of my life struggling to survive, sleeping in seedy motels just to have a roof over my head and barely having enough money to eat… I think I would have just ended it all at that very moment. Thank goodness I’m not psychic!

I’ve watched two birthdays, two Christmas’ and two New Years go by living like this. Yes, it’s depressing. Yes, I’m sad. And yes, I would much rather be under the covers crying right now. I’d be lying if I said that I don’t have days when I feel like just saying “FORGET IT!” But somewhere deep down inside, I know this isn’t how life ends for me. I know that I will get my life back and I will be happy again. I’ve made it this far, I might as well stick around to see how things really turn out. And once I do get there, I’ll be able to look back and understand WHY God allowed me to go thru this. With everything I’ve seen and with everything that I’ve had to go thru during this ordeal… I will know that there is NOTHING I won’t be able to do!

So until then, everyday I do the same thing. I get out of that rock hard motel bed, turn on my laptop, take a quick shower, get some coffee and get right to work. I work from sun up to sun down, taking a only a few hours a day to eat and sleep. This is my life right now and there’s nothing more to it. I don’t know what the latest song is on the radio and I’m not current on what reality show is hot, like most people my age. I really haven’t been anywhere or seen my city since my car got repossessed over a year ago and the only time I ever go outside is to walk to get groceries or supplies for the week. I’m isolated, but completely focused!!! The good news however is that in two years, I have managed to turn a once hopeless “idea” into a company turning a small profit. I’ve been earning enough to be able to at least pay for my motel room and meager living expenses, so this let’s me know that I’m doing something right.

But now… it’s time to take things to another level. I’m not going to put a timeline on anything because I always end up letting myself down when I don’t meet it. But I will say that things are indeed turning around and I feel like the Universe is working in my favor. My new beginning is just around the corner, I feel it! And hopefully this time next year, I won’t be celebrating anniversary number three.

It’s happening.

Reaching for Light

It’s been awhile since my last post.
So much has happened, good and bad.

Good? Well, my business is doing very well. It’s kind of ironic how things have miraculously turned around for my company. It wasn’t until I lost everything and was put in a position where I had no choice but to make the business work, that things finally started looking up. I suppose a swift kick in the ass can do that for anyone!

I’m approaching the one year mark—where this time last year I was actually sleeping in my car. While I still have a very long way to go, I’ve gone from having to stretch $10 for the week, to earning about $3000 a month now. Of course, half of what I earn is going towards paying off bad debts and I’m still living in the same $30 a night motel I moved into last year. I’m really trying to get my credit back in shape so after making payments on old bills, my student loans, the balance after my car got repo’d, the motel bill for the month, my cellphone, a month’s supply of food and a few miscellaneous things… I break even. And that’s alright by me! A person in my situation can only be thankful for every blessing, large and small.

I must be honest though, it’s kind of sad to still be here a year later and I’ve tried to stay motivated about my temporary living arrangements by “sprucing up” the motel room a bit. I brought my own sheets and comforter for the bed from Target so that I don’t have to sleep on those scratchy motel sheets (ugh). I keep scented candles burning, I’ve framed a couple pictures of my family and I try to cook homemade food everyday instead of ordering out. However, I’m still drinking alot to help cope with everything and I still have my moments when I get into this super-intense depressive state. When I find myself looking around and getting sad about everything, I down a couple shots of vodka, go into a crying spell and then fall asleep. It happens once a week or so and by the next morning, I’m usually fine. All that being said, I’m doing okay and am just so thankful for health, safety, having all of my needs met and the motivation needed to keep pressing on.

My (ultimate) goal in life has always been to start my own business and get it to a place where I was earned a comfortable living, doing something I enjoyed. Isn’t that everyone’s dream? Well, I can honestly and whole-heartedly say that my business has turned the corner and has surpassed its infancy phase. I’ve worked about 14-15 hours each and every day since I became homeless to restructure my company, revamp my marketing strategy, develop relationships & recognition with potential clients and it’s paid off beautifully! Next year this time, all of my efforts will be working for themselves and my current income will have tripled. How I wish this had happened a year ago. I literally get tingles when I think about how far I’ve come because I know it’s only going to get better.

Okay so, let me not jinx myself with all of the animation (lol).

Moving on, there’s also been alot of bad things that have happened in my life over the last few months, particularly with my family. I won’t disclose too much due to obvious reasons, but let’s just say I feel like someone has put a hex on my family! One bad, devastating and tragic thing after another—all within the matter of months. And I’ve really been beating myself up over the fact that I can’t even be there for my family because of my circumstances. I haven’t been able to travel home or lend money to family like I used to. I was always the one in the family that everyone turned to and now, I’ve had to lie and pretty much isolate myself from them. It’s an awful feeling to have someone die in your family and not be able to attend their funeral because you were broke. An absolutely awful feeling!

Deep down though, something’s telling me that there is getting ready to be a huge transformation in my life. I can feel it! This whole experience with homelessness was meant for me and God gave it to me on purpose. I’m not sure why and I don’t understand it. What I do know is that when I finally come out of it, I will be a better person and groomed to be able to help others in similar situations. Despite how hard it’s been, I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel now—and I’m reaching for it.

The Spicy Tuna Roll

Happy Friday.

I felt compelled to post a blog today — just because I’m in such a great mood. I’m not sure why (it could be the St. Johns Wart I’ve started taking, or the fact that I’m reading “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne), but I’ve found myself in good spirits lately, despite the circumstances. I am happy to report that things really are starting to look up! While I’m definitely not back on my feet, I am doing much better than I was. I suppose that in itself is something to be thankful for, considering that I was sleeping in my car and on the verge of suicide just a few months ago. I’m still living in the motel, still without a car, still suffering from depression, etc… but my business has actually picked up quite well and I’m now bringing in a very nice monthly income. I was even able to quit the part-time job I had found (that place was toxic and definitely NOT for me). It almost seems too good to be true and I can’t help but feel like something will go wrong and I’ll be right back in a position of scraping to get by. When you get to such a dark place like I was in several months ago, it’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel. Oh well… even if it’s only small success, I feel good knowing I don’t have to worry about food, room rent or how I’ll buy tampons — it’s huge sigh of relief.

My goal is to keep business coming in just like it is right now. There have been many sleepless, stressful nights and countless hours of work that has helped get me to this point — but I don’t mind it one bit. I’ll do whatever is necessary to get me back in the land of the living. It’s been hard no doubt, but I’ve proven to myself that it can be done. And there’s no turning back now.

I’m at a point where I feel like I can really “maintain” financially through my business. I’ve figured out a good marketing strategy that seems to well work and while I’m not bringing in the six-figures that I used to, I’m actually earning a living. Can you believe it??? Give it a couple more months, Ill be earning enough to really get back to the life I used to know. My only issue is now that I’ve gotten my business up and running… I still need to find a way to make and save enough to get to a point where I’m making able to pay off some priority debts, get into a home, get another car and replace some of what I lost in my eviction. I could probably save a few hundred dollars a month but at that rate, I’ll be in this motel until I’m 50! I don’t know how I’ll do it but I’ll figure out a way to get out of here and get my life back on track. For now, I’m just thankful that the fate of my company has done a 180 degree turn, for the better. 

Anyway, there’s nothing else really ”new” to report about me. My love interest and I are still connected, though I’ve been pretending to be out of country to avoid having to call him and answer any questions. Out of town would be too convenient for him, as he could easily ask to hop a plane to come see me. Out of country is a bit more complicated. So for now, he’s content with phone calls and lots of Facebook, emails and video chatting. I know, my web of lies are starting to get outrageous. But you try telling someone that you’ve met and fallen in love with that you’re homeless. It’s not easy and hopefully I’ll be able to salvage this mess I’ve created for myself before I have to share any of this with him.

Let’s see… what else? Oh, I took a taxi to go grocery shopping today. I usually go on Fridays and plan my trip very carefully, so as to not waste money. While in the supermarket, I ran across a sushi kiosk in the deli — it brought back alot of memories. I used to eat fresh, next-day imported sushi at least once a week at one of the most upscale restaurants in my city! No seriously, sushi and wine was apart of my weekly diet and peeling off a crisp $100 bill to pay the tab was no big deal. I was so frivolous with my money back then and my how this short amount of time has changed me. Anyway, since I hadn’t really treated myself to much of anything (not even a new pair of socks) in like six months, I decided to splurge and buy some of the $8.00 grocery store sushi. A spicy tuna roll has never tasted so good…

Anonymous asked: Please post something...after reading your seeking peace link I am very concerned about your safety. I know I have never met you but I am really hoping you did not do anything to harm yourself. You are a young and vibrant young lady with so much to offer the world. I'm sorry for the struggles you have endured in your life...I know some people are dealt the wrong hand in life and you ask God "what else are you going to throw on top of me now" Please, please, please post something just to say you are fine. --Julie

I’m still here, Julie. Thank you so much for your thoughts & prayers. Hopefully, my next major post will be to tell you all how things have changed for the better :)

Anonymous asked: Just wanted to say you are such a special and amazing young woman. Though you live from day to day not knowing what will happen you have too much dignity to take the easy way out by stripping or worse. I have so much admiration for you because either your family instilled good values in you or you instilled them in yourself. Just by reading your blog I noticed that God has never deserted you even though there are times you feel he has forsaken you...for instance the laptop that miraculously came back to life and the playstation you found in your trunk just at the right moment when you had barely a dollar to your name. Please remember these acts of God and that he is watching over you and you are not alone especially those times when everything feels overwhelming and it seems impossible to get out of your situation. Continue having faith...don't ever give up on God and most importantly yourself. Just think that the worst that could happen has already happened so things can only get better from here. I believe in you and believe it is only a matter of time before things start to turn around for you.

Thank you.

Anonymous asked: I understand!!!! This is hard, but I'm determined to be a survivor!!! I pray for your strength!!!


--Tay
http://homefortheholiday.blogspot.com/

:)

Anonymous asked: It's so glad to see that you are still moving FORWARD!!! That's what life is all about. I'm praying for your strength!!!!

Sincerely,
Moe
http://homefortheholiday.blogspot.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7p_eKV3SzwE

Hi Moe! Things are starting to look up. I will keep you posted! Wishing you the best as well and thanks so much for following me on this journey…

Anonymous asked: Just wanted you to know I found your blog by accident a few months back. I was worried about you since you didn't post for a while. I am praying for you.

Thank you SO much. I’m still here… and still pressing :o)

Happy New Year?

I’ve been away and alot has happened. Good and bad.

Well, the good news is that I’m not living in my car anymore. In fact, I’m still living in the motel room I checked into a few months ago. Yeah, it’s definitely not a “home” to say the least but it beats not having anywhere to stay. I have a clean bed, a hot shower, I’m safe and I have a place to do my work. I feast on Ramen noodles, frozen pizzas and Chinese takeout and they even have a few cable channelS—-no, I’m not splurging over here, but I’m still VERY thankful indeed.

Also, I was able to find a part-time job. I only work about 16-20 hours a week and it’s a pretty lame gig, but I couldn’t bare the thought of sleeping in my car ever again. I needed to have some type of income rolling in and even if it’s only enough to pay for the motel room, buy food and pay my cell phone bill - that’s really all I need right now. The good thing is that it’s right around the corner from my motel, it’s only part-time and it still allows me the time to focus on my company.

Speaking of which, this brings me to the not-so-good news. Business at my company hasn’t picked up like I need it to. I actually got a couple accounts last month, nothing major but I earned a couple hundred dollars from each. It feels good anytime I get a new client but at the end of the day, my business can’t survive on 1 or 2 month. Everyday I’m researching, cold calling clients, sending out emails and looking for a way to generate consistent work. I have a great plan but it requires some sort of marketing budget - and my available marketing funds hover somewhere around ZERO.

Oh, my car was also repossessed (finally). I’m not exactly sure I know how the repo guy found me, but I knew it would happen sooner or later. It actually happened at 2am in the morning - I heard my car alarm going off and when I ran outside, I saw my beautiful luxury car being hauled away on a tow truck. I felt helpless and cried so much that night! Now, I try to keep my mind focused on the fact that maybe it was for the best - this could be God’s way of saving me from an accident or some type of legal hurdle since I hadn’t had insurance in forever! Nonetheless, it’s still a struggle. I now have to walk, take a bus or even a taxi sometimes when I need to get anywhere. This just added another problem to my long list of problems.

As for that guy I started dating a few months back, he’s still VERY much in the picture and still clueless that I’m homeless and completely broke. After my car was repossessed, I had to stop seeing him. We would usually meet up a once or twice a week and he knew what kind of car I drove. Now that I’m without transportation, he would definitely get suspicious and start asking alot of questions. So I’ve basically been pretending to be away on business for the next few months. We still talk every single day, which is fantastic and I miss him terribly. I was kind of hoping that I wouldn’t like him so much, but he’s absolutely great. For whatever reason, he’s been super understanding and is willing to move at my pace. He’s never hounded me or pressured me about going to my home or why I’m being so distant and “standoffish”. It’s too bad we met at such a bad time! This life of mine has done a complete 180 from where I was just a few short years ago and it has become one big fat LIE. I’m so disgusted with myself…

Ah well. I’m still alive (or am I?), still pressing on and still buying a $2 lottery ticket everyday (lol). I haven’t given up just yet and still hoping (and praying) that things will get better real soon.